Oh my goodness....

大佬呀，拍戲咩，講到我直頭唔係人咁。同當年小王子測驗結果有得比。


You have 34 points. 你是第四種. 你是個充滿愛的人. 浪漫, 花和洒是你用來享受人生必要的東西. 你對承諾十分認真. 你是個很有家庭氣息的人, 你每個星期天都會打電話給你媽媽, 你永遠也不會忘記生日的日子. 不要讓你對浪漫的熱情與現實所發生的混淆一起.

http://www.mathsking.net/test/question.htm

A Storyless Story (un-proofread)

(1) You told me that I owe you a story.

A story about me and myself.

I said I have no secret. My story is a story about life without secret. No, it should be the story itself. The story about me is that my life has no secret. This is my story. I have no intention of being tricky or pretentious. There is no trick at all. The secret of my life is I have no secret, at this age, at this point. And that is the secret of my life. With all these, I have told you everything.

You asked me to explain but there is no explanation. You will understand. I believe, you will, you do. It's all about timing. You are on your path in your labyrinth, with you own pace, own rhyme. You might well understood that you're my mystics. The omni-mystics. I'm sure you'll know one day, you will. And there is no clue. Oh, maybe there is some. Like what happens in The Fountain, the gorgeous movie we both addicted to.

And thus I promised that I will write a story. A story about the clue to my secret, a secret without any secret at all. I can never express how glad I am for meeting you, just like you could never realise how scary you're to me. Not because of anything but only the importance. The importance of the important. You passed by my importance, and start digging the land to put down root, as if you'll become a tree in the Big Fish. The giant in Big Fish.

It's always scary, even though I really am merry. And thus I promised that I will write a story. A story of the secretless secret. As a cleverest reader you may have already recognized that a necessary void would be inevitable in that story. No matter what the plot is and how the narrative goes, there would definitely be a void, lies between the secretless secret. The void, like Keller's depth, like the non-ontological sexual differences taught by Irigaray, is the beautiful darkness inside my bone that dark enough to see your light. It's like the blackhole/cave inside my body, being veiled with the other lips, that both you and I always want to penetrate.

The void is my scare and my sacred happiness. It is windy and shinny tho dark. Nixie is the echo of the void. She call it mystery. This word probably too melodramatic. You better offer your most generous understanding that for Nixie, mystery is nothing but the wonderland ever.

Okay, let's go back to the story. As far as we can know, all about this story is, it's a story with a void. We can hear Nixie, the echo of the void.

"Let there be mystery," Nixie said.

And that is where everything began.


(2) Questioning of Asking

Heidegger said every questioner ask questions that lead to an expected answer. Because one could never ask a question without knowing that direction of the answer. And thus, every questioner had set the tone for its question & answer.

People ask because they want to hear back. All inquiry is directional. Surprising, the question came out from the void of our story is never about answering. There is never inquiries from the void. All questions are for question's own sake. It works like resonance, going nowhere.

No destination.

She asks not because she want to know.

Sometime she asks, even though she knows the answer would not be pleasurable or even harmful. Listen, my cleverest reader, it's not as ridiculous as you think. The flying of Nixie might help you to understand. Nixie flies as she flies. It's her being and becoming. Merely flying. The importance of soaring lies in soaring itself. The questions from the void is the void's own essence. The essence of its own becoming. Without any destination.

In the void, there are mixture of dread and peace. If you wish, the Judea-Christian imagery of heaven and hell may fit into it. The mixture of heaven and hell. They both functioning at every single moment, together. Nixie sleeps while she creates. She asks question while she indulges in her dreams. And those question marks flowing in the void, like seeds, scattered everywhere. Not waiting for blossoms but resting, being dominated by this power of sleepiness in this restless void.



(3) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

書信．重頭寫

陳之，

你一定要看The Fountain，一定要。最好能抽點輕巧的大麻。

那一晚我突然明白了許多事，都是關於自己的。再無辦法推翻或故弄玄虛，我第一次眼白白看見自己的怖慄，好像一個void / abyss，伸手就摸得到。

甚麼都不寫的這段日子，是我最惶恐和最愉快的時光。

2007初春，多倫多，我隱約望見自己的將來。

我開始預見自己逐漸消失，成了個半透明的。情形如地殼變動，我的世界在陸沉，漂流向另一個地殼板塊，消磨就撞又未撞埋去合而為一的歷史時刻。那將是我的世界末日，地動星搖，而我就可笑地(被)提到半空，半天吊。當然還是沒有翼。

所謂wonder和respect是先要維持differences。我所wonder的竟變成了wonder自己蒸發得比光更快。我指的消失是一種transforming，transparent transformation。

我們的路途，一路都是找尋身份。從香港，到全球化，到女性、大地宇宙，你都咪話唔遠。總有種未學行先學走的潛意識。但意識當然會告訴你，邊有呢回事，曉走果一刻咪就係準備好果刻囉，哪裡有甚麼預備不預備，過程不過程。

再看這裡，如重看我們的路標，都在這裡開始。年少時總以為重頭開始甚麼都會不一樣，珈琲時光不會太長，但原來一世人就是要不斷重頭開始，一次，再一次。結果，我又回到這一點上。

當找到瀕死的生命樹，那裡就有希望，那裡就有永恆，而我們就會在一起，因為根本就沒有死掉和長成，一切都是水火地風的總和又總和後千絲萬縷的面貌。

讓我們重頭寫，從這裡開始。

k

紀史三 - 再來，私人信件

再來，私人信件

和你談了一晚後的今天，我證實了你的開心大發現，我真的癲了。

今早晨起就頭痛m痛，拖著身子遲到了也去上堂，art, knowledge and life, 上了一半人幾乎倒下來, 後來的thanksgiving community lunch, 我沒有知覺地在student lounge旁邊的大椅上捲起身子發冷，一邊想吐一邊暈，人來人往，我像躺於月台長椅上的無家者，偶然有人來拿熱水，送膠袋, 外套和簡單問候。新相識的鬼妹待我非常好，據說有人甚至想馬上把我往醫院送。後來他把我送回家，陽光充裕披著3件sweater我仍然不斷發抖，卻死都不 肯上street car。回到家我衝進浴室想吐又吐不出來，卻發了瘋一樣蹲下來大哭，幾乎透不過氣，記憶很模糊，斷斷續續就由浴室變了廚房的地板，繼續發瘋，後來他說我才 知道，我嚎哭了一個小時。然後我抱著他好幾分鐘，才真正平伏過來。之之，我知道我真的癲了。我慢慢曉得我的病源自我的chaotic worldview 和absurdity of life，而完全不是感情。在最緊要關頭，x變成一具object，僅此而已。很久後他終於走了，我一個人去散步，不久就吐，一直吐到晚上9時許。這便構 成了我的中秋節。之之，瘋狂與自由，我實在想不清楚，我真的很《藍》麼?

甚念。

Posted on 10.7.2006 at 3:11 AM

紀史二

September 23

給將來，如果，我還在這裡：

其實再沒有任何原因有寫的必要，完全沒有。

二零零六年九月二十一日，多倫多，我二十四。朋友問，你想你的人生就這樣停在二十四麼？我不知道，沒意見，也無所謂。我知道我非常庸俗。歷史總是太長太長太長太長，才等到奇蹟出現。

二十四，我處身在兩個世界中間，一個擁抱自由經濟文明社會，另一個以簡陋的社群形態分庭抗禮，兩個也在艱險我奮進的天天抗爭，且以各自的方式溫情揚溢。開展於眼前，就像童話的兩道門故事，守門的青蛙說，前面的門一死、一生，你只能二揀一。可惜非童話的世界沒有青蛙，使我無法一手抓住牠求祈扔進門看牠有沒有死。不要跟我說我的煩惱非常幸福，也不要批評我拒絶世界，更別提我甚麼時候都得成熟地心存感恩。怎都好我不會抗辯，我沒意見，無所謂。一開始我就多麼渴望做快樂的豬，而不是痛苦的蘇格拉底。當然我不是哲人，不是理性動物，我甚麼都不是，我不過是從很早就把處身的世界理解為創造，然後產生太多無法回答的困惑的難纏的存在。僅此而已。學習不是解決問題的方法，真理不會愈辯愈明。天堂地獄最後審判，那怕全是修辭，都不重要了。一地的options任你挑，埋黎睇埋黎揀，唔買都睇下。我就是這種存在。

曾經以為人生最缺少勇氣，有就掂晒。那是何等青春和天真。眼下唯有想像力，是唯一救法，條件是，如果我還可以想像我的下半生。因此我還寫，沒有別的，或者只是表達自己的狼狽，給我的下半生，留個註，及盼望。

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

S回信。

去紐約的前夕，心情忐忑不安。

翻出去年那條旅行後特意買下的彩色頸巾，放在水中泡洗，一手都是茉莉花的香味。

這幾天斷斷續續的想起k。最近一個畫面是大學時歐陽講《藍》的一堂，藉基斯洛夫斯基拋出人生最大的命題:當一個人被remove去所有的家庭包袱，拋棄過去，孜然一身時，是否真正自由?

......那個身在多倫多的k和台北的s，在城市中日復一日漫無目的的走，吃焗蕃茄煙肉雞脾，對一切無法有意見，也無所謂。生存下去，只是因為無法再回頭。

多年以後的我才明白，基斯真正所指的，原來是只有在受到重大創傷後才會出現的反常狀態。那時的她們，過去已經無所謂與不謂，但卻困惑地看不到未來。k，我們一生都在追求所謂的自由，卻原來只有置身這個狀態，才最貼近自由兩個字。可這時候，這時候，自由，對我們還有什麼用?

二十四歲，我還依然傻得相信勇氣，並準備將肉體推向極限。我擁有的實在太多太多，卻又是那樣的少......

都是村上春村那一句，他選擇了停留在十七歲，我選擇了活下去。所以，活下去。

如果還有將來，希望我們永遠記得這一年。

Posted on 10.6.2006 at 12:25 AM

紀史

信（二）

給S ，可能也是自己:


那4小時長途電話，在多倫多最長的街上邊走邊講，從北走到南，是數星期來最暢快的小時。
有陽光，踢著拖不停走路，大笑，仲想點。

你說得再準確不過。

我曉得我（們）是怪物，無能扮演正常人，也不可能興高采烈遇上誰都東拉西扯做反應，更不可能哭哭鬧鬧抓破臉求憐愛。我（們）的好勝與驕傲，狠狠將 隱秘在根底下的無力感低調粉飾，到了一種無藥可救的田地。來吧你可以說我（們）虛偽或偏執，那是我(們)自覺性情中最弱的一環，卻同時是唯一賴以區別他我 的憑據。而最好笑是其實我（們）是最最最典型的一類人，期許最傳統的全部。

擁不擁有也會記住誰，快不快樂留在身體裡。昨晚關上燈，在床上哭很久，早晨眼都腫起來，掛著臃腫眼眶跑去看覃樟柯，又流不出眼淚。他說，在最絶望 的情況亦總會在人體上看見動力，於我的版本，卻變成唯有大自然或動物界才壓得住我（們）多餘的躁動，或帶來盼望。寫給你的時候很想多看一遍蔡明亮的黑眼 圈，於是就出門，在後街站上一小時仍沒有票，然後回家，吃點酒，以及出門前焗好的蕃茄煙肉雞脾。類似的星期六晚上，想你住台北的時日也有過，你曉得我甚麼 意思。無謂快樂與否了，隨心所欲就好。

不打擾，是我（們）的溫柔。旅行的朋友，過去3個月的失去聯絡，我衷心感激。


K

P.S: 把信放在這裡不是懶型，不是無所謂，我覺得公開性，是面向現在這個自己很重要的環節。

Posted on 9.16.2006 at 6:15 PM